This is a remembrance I wrote for the celebration of life last Saturday. I was so moved in the service ,I did not read it publicly. But I thought I would post it now…
A CELEBRATION OF LIFE: D’ELLE LOWE April 13, 2013
A REFLECTION TO SHARE…..By Mark A. Wenzel
Over the past few weeks,I have been through a personal struggle ,over D’elle’s passing. I would like to share a reflection ,as a result of my personal introspection. I come and share this afternoon to offer hope. As a result of my personal writing to heal,heal from all of this.
I have come to realize thru my Transition and transformation days,Only Jesus Christ can satisfy my deepest most intimate need. The world can not satisfy. No not sex, Drugs, alcohol, addictions of any type. Nor the New age. All of these are Big fat failures. For me not even Gender reassignment, could satisfy my deepest needs.
I came to realize this a few weeks ago when D’elle,took her own life. She Battled Alcohol,and was in rehab,and had all she could take and said she was done and took her own life. Perhaps she was at the end of herself,and running on fumes. It has been said fatigue makes cowards of us all.
I like to think the bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.
Isiah 40:29 States, God gives power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increases strength.
At the end of all of me , running on fumes as it were,suffering fatigue.
When I get to the fatigue ,and running on fumes stage, and the Death Bastard knocks on my hearts door. I cannot give in. And suicide is not an option. Suicide is practiced out of pride. I must at the end of all of me , Allow God step in and do the impossible. I have been from time to time ,totally alone. I had to commit to God and keep breathing ,and staying alive.
As The Death Bastard continued to visit,and knock at my hearts door, I was committed to live. Committed to life. I could not let that Bastard win. I have been in very dark times. I have been through the valley of the shadow of death,and The Lord was with me. And I was promised that no weapon formed against me would prosper. I was able to with stand. In the midst of my storm The Lord speaks peace, and says peace be still. Be still and know that I am God. He sees my storms from the other side. God sees the storm from the other side . He knows the lessons learned. And just beyond the clouds he sees clear sky’s. He speaks peace to the raging storm when peace could not be found. He already sees the rainbow when we see only clouds. Our sister unfortunately was not able to withstand. And this truth Makes me very sad!
Reasons and excuses do not really matter, about the past. But it is what I do now, that matters. I understand what is past is past. What we do now , is what matters. We, specifically I, used alcohol to cover my pain,through my transition. It caused me to live in fear,get depressed, And think I had no hope. I hid behind excuses.
I take my responsibility and blame no one else. I drank to self medicate,to mask or take away the pain. When in fact I needed to deal with my life’s emotional trauma, excuses and deeper issues. So I could have hope and not give in to the Death Bastard. I made a decision to change. And a decision to have a new life.
I am reminded of the following monologue from the movie Castaway: I had power over nothing. That’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. Some how I knew I had to stay alive. Some how I had to keep Breathing even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said , I would never see this place again. And my logic was proven all wrong ,Because the tide came in and gave me a sail. ( 1/7/13/ urologist GB..). And now I am back, talking to you. I know what I have to do now. I have got to keep breathing. Because ,tomorrow the sun will rise ,who knows what the tide could bring.
So now I celebrate life . I celebrate by committing to staying alive, and breathing until it is my appointed time ,to go to eternity. For it is appointed unto men once to die…
My friend did not know the Lord. I am grateful I had at best a restored relationship with Christ ,in witch He could pull me back from the Brink of my destruction. Now I plan daily, to put him first. I meet with him daily, and walk with him. I have personal access to God almighty through The Lord Jesus Christ.
I have learned to deal with the reason why, and my deeper issues. Perhaps,I was using all these things to hide behind these things as excuses for not dealing with problems, and emotional trauma.
you cant change what you refuse to confront.” That’s really true. Anything I had ever denied about myself in the past did not change, transform, or heal until I faced it.
I am sitting here numb and in deep sadness over the news of the death. She struggled in her life and finally fell victim to the Death Bastard. She took her own life. I new her from social settings ,and we were not close.
I hate that Death Bastard ,who has knocked upon my hearts door on several occasions.
Thank God I have been able to withstand and live on. But my sister could not. I cannot help think, If there is any thing I could have done to make a difference for her. Any thing I could have said ,anything?
I Thank God the Lord Jesus Christ made the difference for me. And He is my life.
Perhaps if I could Have introduced her to the Savior.
My cry in my transition days has been forward. Never Give up never quit.
It just hurts deeply just to know I could not help, make a difference.
For those who survive,and remain, NEVER NEVER ,NEVER ,GIVE UP! NEVER GIVE IN.
I found that,I needed to deal with the why, and the deeper Issues of my Identity. So I am grateful for January 7, 2013, at the Bay Care Clinic in Green Bay Wisconsin. When I Heard from God Almighty personally, And knew my Gender Transition was over. And my Life ,became new and continued on..
So I conclude, With 1 Corinthians 15: 54 So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
56 The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Romans 6:11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. 1 Peter 2:24
I wanted to come today to be honest ,and celebrate life with you.
I do not want to lie to you. I want to portray my self as an honest person.
A person who dose not lie to people. Who dose not sugar coat any thing.
You get what you see..But I have a compassion and empathy. And have a desire to share my experience, and promise hope.